As any seasoned player or ladies’ man will tell you, breaking a girl’s heart is just another part of the game. Some girls deserve a swift, cold smack to the face… while others should be let down easy. How gracefully you execute a break up (or a quick pump and dump) is up to you. Truth be told, I’ve never actually had a girl break up with me. One night stands and short flings don’t exactly count as relationships anyway. With random hookups that I don’t want to see again, I typically pull the fade-away and stop responding to texts altogether. While some may consider this a bit of a pussy move, it does send a clear message of “hey I don’t want to talk or hang out anymore.” If it’s a girl I saw once or twice and have no feelings for (and assuming she isn’t in possession of something of mine), in my experience this is the way to go. No hard feelings, no drama… just a clean break with questions. “Sucks for you, I’m out.” Most of the girls I dated for a lengthy period (i.e. more than a month) got a phone call or a sit down, though before Cabo I did consider a dick-move text for laughs. There have been mutual separations that I instigated, but I’ve never had one initiate it with me… so take that for whatever it’s worth.

I met her online of course… A few messages over a couple of hours and we had a date set up. I’d suggested a week day and she countered with Friday. Layups. We were making out at the second bar and by the time we got back to my place she couldn’t keep her hands off me. She was on the pill, but for whatever reason she didn’t let me blast in her until the third time we hung out. This one started getting increasingly dependent on me almost immediately. She wanted to hang out all the time, so I had to blow her off and ignore some of her texts to maintain distance. For me, hanging out with a girl once or twice a week is enough. I made the mistake of spending the night at her place a few days after our first night. Around 5am I woke up and had a minor freak out moment when I realized I’d parked in a 2 to 6 am tow-away zone. I hadn’t intended on staying past 12, so I rushed out of there and found that I’d lucked out. A $30 ticket. That I can live with. Her clingy behavior got worse, and it quickly became clear she was trying to drag me into a relationship. She was a nice girl (a bit too nice) with a very cute face but her body was kind of busted below the neck. Since I had a few other girls in my rotation already I was still constantly looking to upgrade. One day while I was on OKCupid, a random cute brunette popped into my visitor tab. Me: “Ha, too shy to say hello?” Her: “Oh I’m not shy, haha.” Music to my ears. After some funny back and forth bantering, she admitted that the only reason she’d checked out my profile was because “this girl from work was talking about me.”

Her: “What’s the deal with you guys?” Me: “Small world. I’m not sure whether to be intrigued or creeped out.” Her: “Hahah she just told me to look up your profile, that you’d hung out a couple times, didn’t say much else. Didn’t tell her you sent me a message or anything so you’re safe ;) ” I got ballsy and asked her out for a drink on the spot. It was clear she wouldn’t still be talking to me unless she was curious about me and why her co-worker was so obsessed with me. Her: “I don’t know, she and I are pretty different. And aren’t you still like dating her or whatever?” Me: “It’s complicated.” Her: “I’m intrigued.” Me: “Anyway… I’ll be grabbing a drink tomorrow in [area], probably around 8ish. You’re welcome to join me.” Her: “haha no way” Me: “lol you make it sound like I’m married, I’m not.” Her: “Haha okay..” She ignored my next message, so I wrote her off in my mind. A few days later I took my girl out to a light dinner and drinks. Things were getting too far from fuck buddy status for my liking. She did have a funny story for me though so I listened intently. Her boss had thrown a big free drink outing for the office the night before. Everyone was drinking more than they probably should, which always spells trouble during a work outing. One of the other girls had gotten completely smashed and ended up leaving with some guy, but not before her phone died. When she didn’t show up to work the next day they started to worry. Luckily, one of them had gotten the guy’s number before he left so they called him. As it turns out, this girl had passed out in a fast food parking lot and was taken to the emergency room where she spent the day.

Sounds like something that would happen to me. Immediately I thought of the co-worker from OKCupid who told me she was “nothing like” my girl. I sent her a message at the end of the weekend. Me: “Please tell me you were the one that passed out at the parking lot and had to be taken to the ER.” Her: “Yup” Me: “HAHAHA I fucking love it. Glad you survived you hot mess.” Her: “Hahaha I guess it does sound pretty ridic when you say it like that. What did [co-worker] say?” I told her. Me: “God that makes me sound so bad…” We talked for a bit and I invited her out for drinks again. Her: “Hahahah love that you’re more attracted to me once you learn I got hammered, went home with someone, and fainted in the middle of some fast food establishment hahh.” “I just know you’ll be fun.” She gave me what I figured was a bullshit excuse. Me: “You’re a bad liar.” Then she gave me a legitimate one (a trip to New York). I went for the date again and she gave me the “you’re dating my friend and that’s wrong” resistance, so I told her the truth. Me: “Look to be honest, I don’t really think it’s going to work out. She is a nice girl but not really my type.” Her: “Haha how is she not your type?” Me: “Geez you are digging deep, but I’m not really one to kiss and tell… let’s just say I’ll be gentle ok? Have fun in NY, let’s plan to get together sometime next week. Text me.” Her: “Don’t believe I have your number.” Me: “###-###-####” A week later I’d only seen my girl one other time. Now, it had been a few days since we’d last spoken. She had to know something was up. Since I had planned to end things with her anyway and we’d only hung out a handful of times I decided to beta text her. Me: “Hey I know we haven’t talked for a few days. I think you’re awesome and I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you but I just got out of a tough breakup and I don’t want to hurt you. We shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry. I hope you understand.” She didn’t respond, but I knew it would probably devastate her… at least momentarily. Hey, this just might become my regular breakup texts… kinda makes me look like a good guy.